Dad...

Well, Dad passed away June 9, 2008. It has been a grueling couple of weeks leading up to his passing. Watching him as his health waned was tough on us. My mom (a hero of mine) bore the brunt of watching after dad. She has done such an amazing job taking care of him.

My parents
They were married on July 7, 1962 (i think... i wasn't there). They were approaching their 50 year anniversary. In 50 years you get to know someone pretty well. My mom has persisted with my dad through years of trials & triumphs. I'd love to know what their favorite memory was of each other.

In the last 6.5 years, my mom has:

• Endured learning of her husband's cancer
• Seeing him go through surgeries
• Seeing him champion through the treatments
• Waking up with him while he was sick
• Helping him into the car to travel to the hospital
• Sitting with him at Hospice
• Seeing him off on his journey home

My mom really has been a hero. It makes me think how I should respect & value my own wife... she will likely be the one seeing me off into the next life.

My Dad
My dad has been an amazing force. Far from perfect, he still found a way to express pride in who I had become. He was utterly proud of Deb & Sam and their two sons. He was happy at the salvation of my sister, Donna before she passed. His granddaughter, Dallas, softened his heart. Charli captured his gaze in the last few months of his life. It is a great thing to see who he became. Dad delivered a great amount of wisdom to us. Each nugget was laced with a witty sarcasm. Lots of conversations ended in laughter.

In the last few years, I've grown closer to my dad after seeing him being more of a father rather than just a provider. Truth told, I knew he was a great provider all my life. He worked all the time. Even when he wasn't working, he was working on something... or watching a race or the news. I've often said he was the "best damned welder in NC." I wasn't kidding. I know, that sounds like a son's words. But there are folks who would pass up 3 other qualified welders to ask my dad to do the job.

Lessons Learned
Some folks know I had built a book listing lessons learned from my dad... well, here are 10 of the lessons I feel best describe how dad taught.
10. Dad has backed up more miles over one way bridges looking for a place to pee steering with one knee that I've driven forward in my whole life.
9. Satellite dishes cannot jump out in front of a riding lawn mower.
8. There's a Doctor or Lawyer somewhere with a redneck son thinking, "Lord, where did I go wrong?"
7. Why do today what you can put off indefinitely?
6. Keys must be a good thing to have, you never know when you'll come to a lock!
5. There's no reason to be so close to the back bumper of that car in front of you. Who cares if your reflexes are fast enough, let's not test them out.
4. If you think you can, or if you think you can't... You're Right!
3. The best time to look for a job is when you have a job...
2. Get a job.
1. Son, one day you're gonna meet a girl. And the bells are gonna ring... and the whistles are gonna blow... Son, when that day comes... come tell me.

Memories I'll Cherish
1. My wedding day.
Though it's punctuated with still shots in my memory, many of those images have my dad in them. I can remember little tidbits of what he said... I barely remember the day. The one image I have in my mind is the one where my dad & I are standing side-by-side in the exact same stance at the rehearsal. I remember him standing by me and congratulating me on the choice of my bride. He was as proud of Rebekah as if she were his own daughter.

Additionally, Rebekah was able to look at him as more than just a Father-in-Law. I am happy to know that my wife misses him as much as any of the family. It isn't common for a couple to have great in-laws like we do. Sadly, when you love your in-laws... it means it hurts when they're no longer with us.

2. Fishing on Cape Look Out.
It was after Rebekah & I moved to Charlotte that Dad's friend, Phil, invited dad & me to go surf fishing. I was never fond of fishing before this because I didn't know how to tie a hook on nor did I know the tricks of making fish want my hook above all the other stuff available for them to consume. Besides the fishing, sand & time off... the fishing trip allowed me to spend some long overdue quality time with my dad. On that trip, I heard him tell me how proud he was several times over. He reiterated his own love for mom. (Sons need to know that their dad loves their mom, it makes them totally know that they're not going to be abandoned.)

We laughed a ton among the guys on the trip. I gained an even more solid respect for who my dad is. People pointed out how much alike we were. There was a time I would have scoffed at the accusation but I now have a great deal of pride when someone tells me how much like my dad I am.

3. Houston Airport.
Though this wasn't one of my most glorious moments, all I can say is that my dad acted out the message of the cross with me. In the word, we read how the Creator loved his children so much that he would leave his home to rescue them from their own stupidity. My dad showed me what it means to be a loving father. The bible says that even while we were still sinners, Christ died for us... Even while I was living in rebellion, my dad sacrificed to bring me back. This story has countless levels and likely means more to me than it would to those who would listen.

The point is, some folks see their dad as a tyrant, authoritarian, disciplinarian or ruler of his domain.... It took me a long time to see my father as a daddy. Even remembering all the times where we didn't see eye-to-eye, the only way I can see my dad is as a loving Dad doing his best play the part designed for him that I might know my Father.

4. Rocking a baby.
There was no other day like the day my dad got to rock Charli in his arms. It was one thing to see my daughter and hold her. It was quite another to share her with my mom & dad. My dad's face lit up like when he saw my daughter. He loved having us bring her into his room at Hospice. She was fortunate to have met him. I am going to work diligently to make sure she knows who he was as I live out his godly example in her life.

I've heard it said history doesn't repeat itself... but it rhymes. I grew up barely knowing my Dad's parents. Who can say that I am the better or worse for it. Speculation says that I would have been spoiled (or arguably more so) if I had been raised by them. I don't think my parents favored me, but then again... the favorite would always say that... right? Instead, I believe I was simply being raised by an almost totally different set of parents than my sisters'. That said, Charli may never remember her Pappaw. But I will have a ton of fun sharing his stories, personality and guidance with her. We will never know how things could have been... All we can do is work with the way things are.

5. Christmas in Ruth.
Many years, I worked with dad to prepare the little town of Ruth for christmas. That entailed lifting, loading & unloading christmas decorations from a truck to be hung throughout the small town. Several of the decorations had to be repainted (though I never helped with that).

The irony of it all lies in the fact that my dad & I are both relative "hum-bugs" about christmas festivities. Okay, okay. I enjoy the gifts; I enjoy family and I'm down with the "reason for the season." But what irritates me is the stuff-itis people catch during santa season. To make it funnier, my dad actually MADE christmas decorations. He'd frequently ask me if I wanted to have a christmas decoration in the front of our house. I said yes, but only if he made a special one that said "Bah! Hum-bug."

6. Sphincter Intelligentus
Yes we were! Our family (Mom, Dad, Deb, Donna, Josh, Jonathan & I) have always had a way with words. I guess you could boil down the philosophy into: Wisdom stinks without wit. But that would be like saying everything we said was wise. By no means! Most of the time, it was jokes and sarcasm that made us laugh out loud. We may have even been laughing at you. Who knows. But the humor was never lacking and the precise timing of words was something Dad was always working on.

7. Puddin'
Dad once had a bowl of pudding in hospice. He jokingly made a threatening action that he was going to flip some at my mom for not agreeing to get him something he wanted. She stood right behind me as if to say: You wouldn't hit your son would you. Then he retreated. When he thought it over again, he asked mom to move back behind me and he'd try.

I know what your question is. Yes, I believe he would have.

8. Memorial.
Several folks who were at the Memorial services said they hope to be remembered like dad was. After the somewhat normal pageantry of a funeral service, some of dad's former co-workers, friends & family were invited to stand up and share their memories of dad. Chester was the first to stand and share his top 10 favorite memories of dad, many of which included getting dad into a riled discussion or comments on my continuing education. Then Bum shared his memories of my dad's humor & heart. The amazing part was watching Hawk stand in front of the folks and share (without tears) the story of Big Daddy Boyce.

For the most part, people were laughing more than they were crying. After a few other folks, I got a chance to thank the folks for sharing their thoughts & memories by sharing some of the lessons I had learned from dad.

My dad will be sorely missed. I'm waiting for it to sink in. I know I won't be able to ask his advice or joke with him for quite a while. Now it is my responsibility to continue his legacy and then ensure my arrival in heaven to see him again. I'm looking forward to seeing him again and am very happy that he is enjoying his eternity now.

I love you dad!

More on Charli

Well, Bek's parents came by this week to watch Charli as Beks went back to work for a week to help her kids with EOG testing. Needless to say, I was going to have my hands full with client work, meetings and keeping a little girl who has only seen light-of-day for about 2 months. Thankfully, Bek's mom n dad were able to be a great support. 

Charli can really burp. When she's fed, she'll get to a point where she is kinda just hanging onto the bottle... not really taking anymore in. I'll take the bottle out (we're pumping Mommy-milk & bottle feeding to let Beks rest) and slowly sit her upright... With one hand in her abdomen, and the other leaning her forward as she sits on my knee... then BURP. 

Okay... (other people's) Baby's just aren't cute to me. I don't like spit-up. I am not fond of flailing fannies with fecal matter nor the idea of wiping down a wriggling child with wet wipes. The thing that takes the cake: a child's hand slathered in something resembling food which is now placed firmly in your hair... on the remote... or under your pillow. 

Sorry, I just don't think that's cute. Maybe funny when it happens... but not cute. 

[Enter Charlize Marianela Goode (Charli for short).]

Truth be told, some folks... heck... even some of you who may be reading this blog now! Some folks said: "Pete, everything changes when you get married!" Well, I just didn't believe you. First of all, besides 2 major things (living in the same house & doin' th' deed... ahem), Beks & I are still friends. We still talk and enjoy spending time with each other. Honestly, to the point I can't stand spending large amounts of time without her... She really is the better half of my world. But most folks made it sound like marriage made her grow another head and that her sweet disposition was a way to lure me into her lair where she'd turn me into some submissive, panty-wearing girl. And that my only notable phrase would be: "Yes, dear." 

Or, that I would become this domineering husband who made her tremble in fear of my wrath... That I would sit in the den on Saturdays & Sundays with "Th' boys" and watch  "Th' Game" or "Th' Race" while consuming vast amounts of junk food and beverages. Sorry, just seem's a dumbed down way of looking at marriage. Sorry. Not happening. We're both thinking, rational Christ-following adults. Well, most everyone (IMHO) was wrong with marriage. (I'm babbling... back on topic).

So, since most folks were wrong with marriage (all those negative things)... it was no surprise that the same folks told me how EVERYTHING changes with kids. To a degree, they were exaggerating. But they weren't wrong this time. Let me 'splain... no. there is too much... let me sum up.

Y'know... the Creator of heaven and earth has a way of demonstrating his Love for us. It's called: Children. I realized the love of the Father was really not dependent upon what we've done, produced or become. Charli hasn't "done" anything in the last 8 weeks. Nothing purposeful. I don't think pooping in a diaper was a voluntary action to test our resolve at loving her. Still, I realize... there is nothing this girl can do to make me regret her birth. There's nothing she could do or become that would make me ashamed to be called her dad. Now, I expect that she'll make mistakes and do things wrong. I expect that she will see my displeasure and feel my discipline. But I will always have a beaming pride in who she is. Now turn that around... Realize the Father of Creation looks at us the same way. When I screw up (i'm Goode at that) He still looks at me with the same chest-out, beaming pride! It's the rest of the church that tries to convince you otherwise. Why? Because they realize how unsure they are in the truth of G_d's love. In fact, it becomes obvious to those who are parents how the wrath of the Warrior of heaven is fueled by his love for his Children.

I've realized how fierce a person can become when it comes to their children. It is only a half-joke to hear a dad says his shotgun is loaded when his daughter arrives home from the hospital. The truth is, mine is (minus one in the chamber). I realize that the life of lesser life-forms on this earth (you) mean so little in comparison to the life of my wife and daughter. It's almost savage. It's the notion that we can be the best of friends. But if you lay a hand on my daughter... (or worse... my Wife), I then lose all regards for your personal safety and well-being.

Someone says: "Well, that doesn't sound very Christ-like." Well, I disagree. Sure... there's forgiveness. But in the moment where I have to choose which is more valuable? I choose my wife & daughter any day, hands down. So, in respect to becoming a Dad... I was savage before she was born. But now I feel an inner animal instinct to protect my offspring... whatever that requires of me. (Think Messiah & a cross) Whatever that requires of me. The Father falling for the fallen. Think the champion for the weak.

Beyond the desire to protect my girls, there's also the more practical areas of life impact. In the wisdom of the Creator, he made children come out as fairly low-impact. Low-impact meaning, they can't walk, talk or hide the remote yet. So, you kind of get thrust into a gradual increase of responsibility. Initially, you're just the transportation, care-taker & food source. As things progress, you also have to field moving objects, become the goalie to protect them from objects (and objects from them), and life instructor. Sure, the initial wake up call is rather brash... but it's fairly innocuous. Adjusting a sleep schedule, allotting 30 extra minutes for any activities, finding ways to escape the home and gain sanity.

We're fortunate that we both work from home and that Charli is a very low-maintenance child. She's not colicky, nor does she have any major health concerns. I cannot imagine what some friends go through when faced with facts detrimental to the health of their child. We're truly fortunate. That said, we also make a point to find a baby-sitter (friends & family) to care for her as we escape the home on purpose to spend time together (We went to watch 2 movies this week!).

So, the everything changes when you have a child... Busted. It's not true. Unless you let it be true. I can see that much more will change. I understand that parents feel the weighing responsibility for the child's safety & future. I know there'll be parts that scare the crap out of us and make us cry. There will be parts where we can't control the smiles on our face. But that's life! Life changes. Life requires more from us as we become more. But it changed course on the day of her birth. It was only 5 degrees different when she was born. But 5 degrees over years is miles apart from what might have been if she wasn't here. And that is unimaginable.

If you have kids, take a look at them. Is there anything in your house they could break that would destroy your love for them? If yes, you need to get rid of that thing... If no... well, that means you have a brain and a heart. I know we're now embarking on a great journey. But, it's a journey that has twists & turns... it's not like we jump track and begin speaking martian all of the sudden. It's a gradual change so far... I expect there will be unexpected parts. But I also think you get what you look for (ask, seek & knock). We expect the two's, tween & teen years to be great years with great memories punctuated by teaching moments.

It's going to be a fun ride! I trust that the Father has us under his hand. I can only believe that He can work it all out to the Goode & nothing will come at us we're not capable of facing. I think becoming a father is an event to build my faith.

I'm not dreading it. I'm looking forward to it. The alternative is not going through it. Now, put that in your pipe and smoke it! Imagine NOT seeing those little ones through those years. Puts it in a different perspective.

Charli

For those who are out of the loop, I'm a dad. For those who didn't know there was a loop, I'm a dad. For the unsuspecting stumbler who happens upon this blog (because we know there are thronging masses that search for the things I write about), I'm a dad. Finally. Just in case you didn't get the point, I'm a dad.

Ok... let's pose this as a self-important Q&A session.... I'll act like I was being interviewed by Diane Sawyer or something.

1. Q: Boy or Girl?
   A: Girl


2. Q: What's her name?
   A: Charlize Marianela "Charli" Goode? She's the 4th Charli in her family, but the first girl Charli. We also figured out a way of putting every one of the grandparents names into her name. Charli (Bek's dad), Mari-Anela... Marie is Bek's mom's middle name & Ann is my mom's middle name. Goode... well, needless to say, that's my dad's name. Since that could change, we figured we'd pass along my dad's looks (something like my sister, Deb).


3. Q: How much did she weigh?
   A: Oddly, this question will be highly offensive when she's older. But at the moment, it's not a big deal. She weighed 7 lb 10 oz. and is currently about to breach 9 lb.


4. Q: How long was she?
   A: 22.25 inches. We also had her stand up to tell how tall she was, but we kept getting about 9.6 inches because she'd fall down every time we stood her up.


5. Q: When was she born?
   A: On her birthday. What a coincidence! So was I. When were you born? Okay, seriously. March 29, 2008 at 12:30 PM (that's the daylight one for those who are unsure).


6. Q: Who does she look like?
   A: She's the spitting image of my daughter. It's uncanny! Okay, people are saying they can see the Goode side of the family in her face. If that's the case, I hope she gets Bek's attitude. For those smart-sphincters: if you've ever met my sister, you may be surprised that my side of the family is also capable of producing Goode looks. Granted, it all got spent on her. But proof still remains.


7. Q: How are you feeding her?
   A: Well.


8. Q: No, are you bottle feeding or nursing?
   A: Well, I'm bottle feeding her, but her mom is nursing.


9. Q: Had you ever changed a diaper before she was born?
   A: No.


10. Q: Do you help with changing the diapers now?
    A: Yes. Can you ask better questions? I don't like Yes/No questions.


11. Q: If I ask anything besides Y/N questions, will you ramble as much?
    A: Probably. It's in my genetics.


12. Q: So, what are your thoughts on being a dad.
    A: There's nothing like it. I distinctly remember countless folks telling us, "You'll understand when you're married," & "It all changes when you're married." But when we got married, there were only a few things that changed (moving in together & doin' th' deed - ahem!). We were still friends. The world didn't start revolving backwards for us.
    
    When I heard the same folks saying: "Nothing's the same when you have kids," or "You'll know when you have kids," or "Life will never be the same again..." needless to say, I was skeptical. I was surprised to see that some of what they said was right. Now, the girl is still in diapers, doesn't walk nor does she talk... so her impact footprint is still relatively small. However, I can see some major changes and some changes that will come sooner than I thought?


13. Q: Are you prepped for the "Terrible Two's" yet?
    A: Y'know, I think you get what you ask for. People find what they expect to find. That's why the bible says: "Seek & you will find it." So, we're looking for the two's, tweens & teens to be a pure joy. Now, I'm not so naive to believe it will be all rainbows & roses. First, that would be just gay. Second, learning happens when you have trials. Still, I expect my children to listen to me. But I also expect to discipline my child. It's our responsibility to raise her, not the government or some school teacher.


14. Q: Have you discussed with your wife how you will discipline your children?
    A: Yes! Quickly & severely. I'm not a fan of the "count to three" method employed by so many parents. Now, I'm not saying that I'll snap and start flogging the child. At the same time, I want it to be understood that disobedience is not an option to consider. It has consequences. A swift pop on the bottom will help the child understand to not touch the cookies. The truth is, the tap on the tush is more shock than pain. We have some friends whose son has taken some pretty nasty licks while playing and kept smiling. But you hit his backside lightly with a paddle and a stern voice, the kid wails the scream of torture.


15. Q: Do you believe in spanking?
    A: Yes. But I do not believe in bigfoot.


16. Q: Can I give you a little bit of advice on parenthood?
    A: No. I've seen you and your kids. I don't want kids that act like you or yours.

Well, that about wraps up our interview. I'm working on posting photos, but it may take a while. Not the top priority. I'll show them to you when I see you next. It seems that I pissed off the interviewer. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.